15 December 2006

today i was told that i will learn to be a programmer and together with robin, we will take on the challenge. did not expect both of us will be programmer together, was expecting that only i was selected. but i think this arrangement is better, at least robin will not feel left out if only i was chosen. i also felt lucky that i was not left out, deep in me, i was not confident that i was selected. lack of confidence? you can say that.

on last monday, went to a company to interview for a financial advisor job. recommended by my friend, i spoke to his managers. both the managers are nice guy and they knew me because we met before at their previous company. after some questions, they told me 2 findings about me:
1. i do not know what i want, there's no motivation.
2. i am lack of confidence.

i told them they were right and i have little control of what is happening to me. these are the most difficult days of my life, i am making important decisions that might affect my future if i step a wrong move. that's why i had to consider every factor, many do not understand, i do not know who to tell and confide to. i feel stressed like a child without aim, without future, without thoughts, without soul.

but since my manager wanted me to learn to be a programmer, i will do my best to learn and see if this road is for me. i am now more willing to give up my dreams and learn something that can generate more income for the family.

my friend, nick is quiting from the company, most likely this is the reason why we were selected to be programmers.

called an ex-colleague and shared with him this good news. but seems like i should not have called him. after talking about my situation, he told me i looked weird when i stood behind him during the wedding dinner yesterday. and the girl beside him also seems freak out, i did not do anything, just stand behind for a while and they thinks i looked weird? fine with me if this is what he thinks of me. that's no reason why i stood behind, maybe just wanted to looked more sociable and join in the conversation.

enough of this nonsense, hoping for a better tomorrow.