21 December 2006

2006 is soon coming to an end, let's await for new 2007 to come and hope for better things to happen.

yesterday started my job as programmer, not in a new company, just added more things to me. but i will take the opportunity to learn and see if i can make it as a programmer. was told to learn as much as possible within 2 weeks and go on solo. need to learn a lot but only nick is actively teaching me although his attitude was not so good yesterday. he said how come i cannot remember things when we already discussed and went through the program. haiz... i think my memory not so good as stated before, wonder if i can make it. there's another colleague also learning to be programmer but he don't seems to be learning at all.

yesterday some contractors came and removed most office tables, chairs and partitions. do not have an idea why and where it is moved to but heard moving to new office next year march. do not like the new office location but no choice if i want to stay in this trade.

these few days raining a lot, so sian to ride bike in the rain but some of us might feel this hitting them harder like those despatch, delivery, salesman, etc. and since i am programmer-to-be, i might not have to go onboard anymore. but my dear will suffer because the phone rang a few times yesterday and disturbed her sleep. no perfect job in this world, just have to think of ways to reduce the job discomfort.

since it was raining so badly, some florists along thomson road were affected. i ordered flowers for my dear from this particular company because christmas is coming, wanted to give a surprise to her. but just received a call yesterday saying that they are one of those who got affected by the heavy rainfall. so told me either refund or change date. i asked for refund and order flowers from another company, luckily managed to make it in time to send to my dear.

yesterday noticed COE dropped price. called xavier during lunchtime and asked him the price of kelissa now. he said super cheap if i buy weekend car, only $15000+ and monthly $170+ for 10 years. cheaper than some bikes and am considering...

so many things happened these 2 days.

15 December 2006

today i was told that i will learn to be a programmer and together with robin, we will take on the challenge. did not expect both of us will be programmer together, was expecting that only i was selected. but i think this arrangement is better, at least robin will not feel left out if only i was chosen. i also felt lucky that i was not left out, deep in me, i was not confident that i was selected. lack of confidence? you can say that.

on last monday, went to a company to interview for a financial advisor job. recommended by my friend, i spoke to his managers. both the managers are nice guy and they knew me because we met before at their previous company. after some questions, they told me 2 findings about me:
1. i do not know what i want, there's no motivation.
2. i am lack of confidence.

i told them they were right and i have little control of what is happening to me. these are the most difficult days of my life, i am making important decisions that might affect my future if i step a wrong move. that's why i had to consider every factor, many do not understand, i do not know who to tell and confide to. i feel stressed like a child without aim, without future, without thoughts, without soul.

but since my manager wanted me to learn to be a programmer, i will do my best to learn and see if this road is for me. i am now more willing to give up my dreams and learn something that can generate more income for the family.

my friend, nick is quiting from the company, most likely this is the reason why we were selected to be programmers.

called an ex-colleague and shared with him this good news. but seems like i should not have called him. after talking about my situation, he told me i looked weird when i stood behind him during the wedding dinner yesterday. and the girl beside him also seems freak out, i did not do anything, just stand behind for a while and they thinks i looked weird? fine with me if this is what he thinks of me. that's no reason why i stood behind, maybe just wanted to looked more sociable and join in the conversation.

enough of this nonsense, hoping for a better tomorrow.

06 December 2006 - Boring

no money for this christmas, so sian. how i wish i can be earning much more than now and so i can afford more things for my dear to buy clothes, go holidays, etc. when will i not worry about money? when can i let my dear stop working? when can i afford to buy a car to bring my family around? when can i help my in-laws to be financially stable and my bro-in-law to further studies after his poly? how can i help my mother to be free from father?

all the above needs money so as to be accomplished. got a few concerned friends are helping me find a better job but what is a better job to me? should i follow my dreams and find an IT job or just work for money and forget about dreams? if i do not know what i want, how do i know what job to find? i am always so flicker-minded, i think i never going to achieve what i want. i been looking for a wide varieties of jobs, from returning back to my previous employer to a job onboard cruise for a few months. and even work as car agent or financial advisor. but all do not seems to be an ideal job for me, after all, IT is my favourite area.

haiz... feel so hopeless and helpless.

01 December 2006

Christmas is around the corner but i am afraid mood is not right to celebrate. too many things happening around and seems like there's not much controls over it. last time i always think we can control over life but things happened recently that makes me think other wise. the road in front of me seems more and more dark, i am not sure where am i going. i want to find my own self, can anyone tell me how?

feeling down mostly because my dear's health is not that good recently. i think it's not convenient to spell it out but praying very hard that everything will be fine. life is so vulnerable.

i wonder when my luck will change to better, maybe it's really time to go fortune telling and find out in advance. i really need someone to guide me through this dark period of my life. feeling so helpless and lifeless. fortunately, my dear is by my side during these days, i really grow more and more attached to her, cannot imagine the days without her.